May 15

alright, i know it’s been a while since i posted here. there are reasons but i make no excuses or apologies. life is what it is these days and there’s often just no time to put my thoughts into words. so, though this seems like it’s coming out of nowhere, it’s not. it’s just what i’ve taken the time to write for once. there’s more to come, most likely… but no promises.

so, for christmas this year, i received a brand new, shiny kindle fire. it’s a little thing but it touches on several of my passions and, as such, has been one of the best gifts ever.

you see, i’m a bibliophile – a full-on, book lover. all through middle school, high school and college, it would have been very unusual to find me out of arms reach of a novel.

example: i remember one time when i got in trouble at school (confession time, i guess) and was put into in-house suspension (this is like a day-long detention – don’t talk just do your work and when you’re done with that just sit quietly) for something that i honestly can’t remember (but it was probably foolish). for most kids this is excruciating torture – and the humiliation of it was effective for me, i suppose – but, all told, it was honestly pretty great. i, being a smart person, knocked out the entirety of my day’s school work and the evening’s homework in about an hour. i then had to spend the rest of my day “being quiet” which, for me, meant reading. i killed three novels that day. granted, i think they were three fluff-fantasy xanth novels by piers anthony – not exactly heavy reading – but i honestly thought it was a pretty good day on balance. i wish more of my schooling had been like that – go to school, knock out the required work, and then read until they let you go. i’ve almost always found lectures (almost always) to be nearly pointless.

anyway, all that to say i’ve always really loved books.

except that i’ve realized that it’s not really BOOKS that i love… it’s STORIES. i love ‘em in almost all formats though books remain my favorite story format. they’re long and detailed and give space and time for a plot and characters to truly develop and deepen and grow rich and vibrant. but there are other really effective story telling devices out there of course. movies and television being the most popular. the best of the best movies are the ones that are able to distill the essence of a story while managing to still feel rich and full. so often films fail at this and the characters come out feeling thin and the plot flimsy. television has both a harder and an easier time of it – while the individual episodes have a very limited time for the plot to run its course, the characters can develop over entire seasons.

side note:
one of my favorite new storytelling formats though is video games. “video games?” you’re thinking, “you’ve gotta be kidding me. where’s the story in super mario?!” and you’re right – there is no story in super mario. with much respect to mr. miyamoto for his contribution to the industry, the days of zero-plot games are past. if you look at the top 10 video games in the last 5 years, you’ll find that almost ALL of them are story-driven. even the deplorable and much-reviled grand theft auto series is so compelling because of its storyline. it’s a degraded, violent, cesspool of a story, sure. but it’s the story that makes it one of the highest-grossing game franchises in history. there are other, less morally-challenged franchises that are doing as well as GTA and that tell wonderful stories. halo, final fantasy, gears of war, the elder scolls, uncharted, even portal (which is a puzzle game wrapped around a mystery narrative) – all super-successful franchises that have deep and engaging stories and characters. in fact, there is a whole new crop of video game developers out there to whom the story is absolutely paramount. pretty graphics, engaging gameplay, beautiful musical scores – all of these exist for one purpose: to fully immerse you in the STORY that they want to tell.

so, back to the kindle fire. this little device not only tickles my technophile side no end, it’s the ultimate story consumption tool. i read books on it, watch movies and television, listen to music and i can even play simple games on it. it’s seriously amazing to me that, where i used to haul around a minimum of two novels along with an ipod AND a stack of cds, i can just take my little kindle fire.

and it’s enabled me to read so much more than i have in the past couple of years! since i got it at christmas, i’ve read 37 novels/anthologies and 11 novelas – all but two of those were digital. all told, i’ve purchased something like 75-80 books/novelas from amazon… in just about 5 months.

for those who decried the digital revolution as the book-killer, i call bullshit. the book – and storytelling – is alive and strong. it just looks different.

just as the record industry is failing even though music has become ubiquitous and ever more varied and creative, the publishing industry may be hurting, but books are alive and authors are creating amazing stories. it’s the traditional publishing model that’s quickly becoming obsolete.

and i, for one, cheer the change.

Jan 27

sometimes day breaks and i break myself against it.

sometimes life just flips over and stops making sense and i’m left flailing, knowing nothing. sometimes it’s me that flips. either way, i am left senseless and failing, needing… something.

spinning my wheels but going nowhere.
clawing for purchase but still sliding.
spiraling ever downward no matter what i do.
perceived futility leaves me so angry…

helpless powerless the red creeps in around the edges blood pounds in my ears roar of fury barely buried in my throat straining for freedom straining to release me from the need for rational thought that voice inside whispering just be angry let it overwhelm and carry it all away anger makes you strong if you scream loud enough if you’re frightening enough the problems will all go away and you won’t care you won’t think you’ll just be

but i refrain. rage is just an illusion of power. it creates nothing, fixes nothing, builds nothing. it is weakness, not strength. it is the animalistic manifestation of fear. i restrain my animal self and i breathe.

i am a man.

i am a man and man’s unique gift is control. God gave us mastery over our world, our fate and ourselves. no other creation has this gift. it is what makes us human. my perceived loss of control paradoxically entices me to lose control of myself. to submit to anger… to that animal inside of me.

yet i refrain.

you see, i am a lot of things:
i am a vagabond and a vagrant.
a malcontent and a philosopher.
an artist. a critic.
student, truant, and teacher.
i am a hooligan and a vandal and a builder and a peacemaker.
i am a chimera but i am a man. i think we are all chimeras.

i am an absolute mess, but…
i grumble and fracture and crumble at the edges but…
i remain me.
just… me.

part beast and part angel and greater than the sum. i am a man – a walking contradiction. i have to be broken to be made whole. put back together by Love. kept together by Faith. Love and Faith and overwhelming Grace binding me together as i stand here struggling, fighting with myself, waging the war between me and that other me.

i am whole and i am wholly broken and i will remain broken…

but i’m me.
i’m still me.
by the grace of God, despite myself, i’m still me.

dear God, help me stay me…

Jan 18

i’m going to try a few things this year on this here blog. one thing i’m going to try to do is post images, photos, and sketches throughout the week/month. they may come with little or no explanation but it’ll be a way for me to revitalize that visual artist inside of me.

the other thing i’m going to try to do is incredibly simple while at the same time very difficult…

i’m going to try to make a record of things that i am positive about. i’m, by nature, a fairly negative person. i call myself an optimistic pessimist – i hope for the best while expecting the worst. it’s a personal philosophy that has served me well in the past but it sure can wear on those around me. so – more expressions of my optimistic side are in order i think.

so today i’m tackling both in one post. you may see similar posts pop up from time to time.

today i’m thankful for my new favorite hoodie, a super-comfortable (and stylish, even) soft scarf, the cold weather to wear ‘em and my kindle fire to keep me sane while i wait for slow work programs to catch up with me.

 

Jan 17

ok so, it’s well past time for the year-end wrap-up post wherein i answer a bunch of questions that i’ve already answered before. it’s taken me a long time to get through it this time for some reason. THIS year, since i’ve totally stagnated on this thing and effectively driven away everyone who ever read it ever, i can FINALLY be 100% honest filling this thing out! actually, i’ve pretty much always been honest on this… man, that’s boring…

ok, so i’m actually gonna mix this up a little bit. some of the old questions are dumb and no longer apply. i’m killing those and replacing them with new ones. that’s a little less boring…

01. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
i tried out a lot of new cooking techniques and played with a lot of new ingredients. i can’t even begin to list them all, sadly, but it was a really good year for cooking.

02. How did you see in the new year?
with friends and food and laughter (mostly) but without my lovely wife who was in florida with one of our good friends, tina. i missed her. i’m glad she’s back.

03. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
same as always, my only resolution was “become a better version of me” and i made a few steps in that direction.

04. Did someone close to you give birth?
yup. it was a good year to be an uncle – ginny, bethany, and andrea!

05. Did anyone close to you die?
actually, no.

06. What was the best trip you took this year?
austin, tx. so much neat food, drink, and music to experience. had a blast dipping my toes in the “keep austin weird” culture…

07. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
more creative outlets… many more.

08. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
probably 3.25.2011 – my first (and hopefully not last) trip to austin. man, that’s a cool town.

09. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
honestly? landing a new, full-time job in one of the worst economies i’ve ever experienced and, thereby, wrapping up (and officially making it through) a year of freelancing that i will remember for the rest of my life.

10. What was your biggest failure(s)?
i seriously fail in small ways all the time… it’s a constant.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing major, actually. that’s pretty great.

12. What was the best thing you bought?
at the risk of sounding both impossibly materialistic and hopelessly stereotypical – my new tv. we got a beautiful, large, fantastic HDTV that i still, months later, find myself watching and saying “dang. that looks so good.”

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
so many people but, this year, i really have to say that jess took the cake. she made the scary decision to return to school, get a second degree and pursue a new, totally different, career. she’s braver than i am as i don’t know if i could ever find it in myself to go back to school. she also assisted in a real-deal, full-on, dead-guy-on-the-slab, autopsy. like with dead people and all. not watched – assisted. handled guts and everything. without throwing up or anything. she’s tough as nails, that girl. she’s my hero.

14. What made you sad this year?
lots of things, unfortunately. jim moving was sad. the behavior of congress in regards to our country’s debt crisis (hell, their inability to do ANYTHING besides bicker and snipe across party lines) was absolutely deplorable. the list could go on and on but the main thing that made me sad is the continued realization that friendships change and, as people grow, they often grow apart. i generally love and thrive on change… but it also sometimes makes me sad.

15. Where did most of your money go?
the usual. food gas bills debt etc.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my trip to austin, a new job, time off around the holidays, the release of the new tintin movie (FINALLY), and getting my hands on a kindle fire!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? – happier. i begin to see the outlines of God’s plan… i think…
ii. thinner or fatter? – sadly, i’m weighing in a touch heavier than last year. time to get it back off.
iii. richer or poorer? – richer. 2010 was spent almost entirely self-employed. freelancing didn’t pay as well as the current gig.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
painting. laughing. writing music. *ehem*… blogging?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
making excuses and waiting on other people to get their shit together before moving forward.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
we spent the days leading up to christmas with jess’s folks (they came to visit) and then we packed the dogs in the car and went to my folks’ house in huntsville, al. and got to spend time with family including my nephew jack and the newest addition, luc!

21. How did you spend your anniversary?
this year was our two-year anniversary. we went out to p.f.chang’s and brought along our bottle of wente nth degree chardonnay that we were given on our honeymoon by my uncle mike. it was really nice, actually. we had good service, a nice table, excellent food and a truly superb wine. you can’t make a big deal out of every anniversary so you just have to make the “small” years sweet. and it was.

22. What was your favorite culinary experience of the year?
this is a hard one… it was going to be the fantastic meal/beer flight we had at L.A.B. in Asheville but that might just be tied with spending the entire day smoking meat on new year’s eve with the mick.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
castle. hands down. it’s just so daggum clever.

24. What was your favorite video game?
i only by, on average, two or three games a year so this category is pretty narrow. that said, i did purchase skyrim and, like all of the critics, i found (and continue to find) it absolutely engrossing and amazing. it’s beautiful, it’s well-crafted, and the gameplay is so deep that i often lose track of what’s going on in the greater plotline because i’m too busy forging my OWN plotline. this is one of those games that reshaping the video game industry.

25. What was the best book you read?
“a game of thrones” and the ensuing series, “a song of ice and fire”

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
while i certainly didn’t “discover” them in 2011, needtobreathe put out an album this year that absolutely blew me out of the water. it’s really freaking great. that album was the 2011 winner easily.

27. What did you want and get?
a new tv and a kindle fire!

28. What did you want and not get?
still want that new tattoo and an upright bass… and that cali mailing address.

29. Favorite film of this year?
the social network. the writing, directing and acting were all great but the SCORE was amazing. reznor deserved that oscar – he did a phenomenal job.

30. What music will you remember from this year?
i’ve been really blown away by the depth of listener’s songwriting of late… i get something new every time i hear a song off of wooden heart no matter how often i might have heard it. that and the needtobreathe album pretty much make up the “sound” of 2011.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 32 this year and i played it low-key this year. jess cooked me all sorts of tasty things (including my favorite and traditional birthday cookies) and we went to boscos for dinner. really chill.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more songwriting. i don’t do it often enough and i always feel… i dunno… calmer/more alive afterwords.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
still rocking the “honestly too old to be a punk” look for the most part. hoodies and converse feature prominently in my wardrobe.

34. What kept you sane?
my wife. my dogs.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
you know, zooey deschanel has topped the list for so long… but i really hate the idiot character she plays in that show “the new girl” and it’s kinda ruined it… might have to come up with a new celeb crush.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
f*$# politics.

37. Who do you miss?
i miss the pacific ocean. she’s a cruel temptress and she won’t stop calling my name…

38. Who was the best new person you met?
sounds like a cop-out, but probably 90% of the people that i’ve met in the course of my new job are pretty great. there’s a very low density of stupid/annoying people in this company and i rather like that.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
when i was younger, i tried to be hard so that the things that life throws at me would bounce off. but hard things chip and shatter. now that i’m older, i’m strong. i can take a beating and keep going. i can heal and show the scars of the experiences that made me stronger. and i can keep going. now that i’m stronger, i can let the hard shell fall away. i don’t need it anymore. it gets in the way of growing strong.

40. What song lyric or quote sums up your year:
Goin to California
Suitcase in my hand
Never run away a boy
When you can walk away a man
- “The Reckoning”, NEEDTOBREATHE

Oct 14

you fine folks get two video posts today. only because i came across this and couldn’t help but share it. so much amazing in there…